Dealing with the death of a parent

Although most of us expect our parents to die before us, many adults are surprised by the complexity and depth of our grief when our mother or father dies. It can be very painful when your parent dies after a long and happy life. If they died unexpectedly or while younger this can be very difficult to cope with.

For many of us, the death of a parent is a significant loss. It changes many aspects of our lives, and will have an impact on the whole family. Feelings may be complicated. There is no ‘right’ way to grieve, and everyone experiences bereavement differently. However, there are some common feelings that many people share, and these can painful, surprising or even frightening.

Different feelings after a parent dies

• As well as shock, grief or numbness, people often feel regret, guilt or anger. We may feel very differently from one moment to the next, and the feelings can often contradict each other. They may come upon us when least expected, which can be confusing and distressing.

• We can feel lost after the death of a mother or father. Suddenly we may find ourselves feeling like a child again, even though we are adults with jobs, families and lives of our own.

• Losing a parent may mean losing one of the people who thought we were the most special, and who loved us unconditionally. Alternatively, if we had a difficult or estranged relationship with a parent, we can feel a grief for what never was, or for a relationship it is not now possible to heal.

• The death of a parent can bring home the inevitability of our own death, and perhaps make it seem nearer than it was before.

• The balance of generations changes when a parent dies. Before we were still someone’s child, now we can find ourselves the older generation and that can be a shock.

• Losing a parent, or both parents, means we may also have lost a connection to our own childhood. We have lost someone who could talk to us about our own early years, and share memories in a way no-one else can.

How to support yourself after the death of a parent

1. Talk to someone

Talking can be really helpful, even if it is over the phone, internet or social media. Often family or friends can help. You might also be able to talk to someone in your community, or to a faith or spiritual leader. Talk to your GP if your health is suffering.

2. Find ways to remember them

It can help to think of ways you can remember your parent, and keep them as part of your life. This might mean keeping a few special possessions, creating a memory box or special album of pictures, or organising a time for family and friends to come together and remember.

3. Plan ahead on anniversaries

Birthdays, anniversaries and Mothers and Fathers Day can be difficult after someone close to us dies. It can help to think in advance about how you are going to manage.

How can you help someone after their parent dies?

1. Stay in contact

Try to stay in contact with bereaved friends and family and let them know you’re thinking about them. If someone has lost an elderly parent, try not to say things like ‘at least he had a good innings’ or ‘it must be a relief they are no longer suffering’. Even when someone dies peacefully after a long happy life it can still be both shocking and painful.

2. Let them discuss their feelings

Allow them to be open about their grief and about their parent – talking can be one of the most helpful things after someone dies.

3. Be there for important dates

You might like to make a note of significant dates like birthdays, the anniversary of the death, and Mothers/Fathers Day, and let them know you are thinking of them.

The loss of a loved one is never easy to deal with, surround yourself with people who you love or become a part of an organization that can help you through the process of grief.